Self Confidence and Exhaustion

I find it hard to understand why many people who first meet me feel I am so self-confident. Never have been; probably never will be. It is a facade I have frequently been able to use to my advantage; although at times it has also worked against me – most often, when I myself believed my own bullshit. Still, looking back, I can’t complain too much about how everything has panned out in my life. Most of the time, I feel as if I shouldn’t complain at all. But I still do – never fully satisfied – the wonderful byproduct of our great competitive capitalistic society. Always leave them wanting more and expecting more of themselves. But I always try to step back to look at my life and the world around me and, like a small child amazed and confounded by the confusing world around them, ask the question “why?”

I do find the world around me confusing. I often feel as if I don’t really fit in the way other people do. Then I wonder “is it just me, or does everyone feel this way?” If they did, then wouldn’t that mean that I fit in perfectly? But that opens up a sort of social paradox – we all fit in by not fitting in. Now my thoughts start running in circles, like a dog perpetually trying to catch its own tail. Around, and around, and around…and around again. Rather than succumbing myself to that mental exhaustion, I let it go, and just accept that it is what it is. Deal with it. Yet many people misinterpret this mere acceptance as self-confidence. But you see, I’m not really self-confident – I just don’t want to be exhausted.

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Copyright © 2014 Mr. Flying Pig

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